By: Knife Revolverbomb

I love reading the paper in the morning.  This morning, as per my daily routine, I slid down the banister, landed comfortably in my slippers, and walked out to grab my copy of The Daily Herald.  As I walked to the breakfast table, I began leafing through to the “Neighbor” section.  The cover story on this chilly morning held me frozen in awe!  In my hands I held the answer to the question pressing heaviest upon the nation: what’s the latest buzz in an affluent Cook County neighborhood?!

That’s right, columnist (luminary) Robert Sanchez has generously removed his finger from mother nature’s pulse long enough to pen an astounding tale of human-animal synergy.  The headline read: Winfield woman studies polar bears in Arctic.

Mr. Sanchez had opened my eyes and jerked tears from them before I even had time to run the eye-crust from them.

A polar bear strolls along the ice-free shores of Hudson Bay near the Canadian town of Churchill waiting for the freeze-up that’s critical to its survival.

It’s early October and the animal hasn’t eaten in months.

Perfect use of “strolls”, Roberto.  The proud creature is clearly trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but on the inside he’s melting faster than an icecap 😦

Agnes Kovacs watches the scene with the knowledge that the polar bear’s wait is far from over. Kovacs, a Chicago Zoological Society employee, knows the sea ice that polar bears use as a platform to hunt seals won’t return for weeks. She also realizes climate change is causing the delayed freeze of the sea ice.

“It was very different seeing them on land knowing they had not eaten since July… They literally were waiting for the ice to freeze so they could go eat.”

Bravo!  No doubt this noble member of the esteemed CZS has been monitoring the bears’ diet for months since she knows it hasn’t eaten for weeks.  What dedication!  In fact, she probably could have pet the progressive bear while it patiently refused to eat anything outside of its normal diet and feeding schedule.  And a blue-ribbon bonus to Kovacs for clarifying that the bear waited “literally”.  Polar bears are notorious for using figurative and symbolic actions to mislead top-notch Zoological Society employees.

“Gee,” I wondered, “how could this local story get any more relevant?”

Then it happened.  No kidding: Kovacs and a polar bear literally looked at each other.  Literally!

“I just happened to be in the right place at the right time,” Kovacs said. “The female came up, put her paw on the side of the Tundra Buggy and looked up. I was looking down at her, and she looked into my eyes. I was like, ‘Wow.’ You can’t do that anywhere else.”

To which I was all like, “Let’s make it a true daily double, Alex. What is… a zoo?”

When it comes to bringing the news home, you still got it Sanchez, kid…you still got it.